The First, The Hardest

It's 2.30am.

I'm caffeinated and buzzing with ideas. Might as well write something up. Maybe it would be useful in the future, when I need to reflect on myself. Also, I remembered this one video I watched on YouTube and it said, 

"Success is determined by the tiny little decisions we make in our lives." Or something like that. So rather than wasting the time blinking in the dark and overthinking, I thought, why not make the decision to get out of bed and get these ideas out. 

Here's one of them.

A few weeks ago - or was it month? For the love of God, I don't remember when. Time to pass by weirdly during MCO. Haha. 

Anyway, I started taking the steps to take control of my life. To earn back what I had lost. This pandemic and MCO is really taking a toll on me. I have been feeling so helpless and lost. No motivation whatsoever.

And that one day, I decided. Enough is enough. I need to get back on my feet. Take back my life. I need to get better. Get out of these depressing thoughts and feelings. 

The first step to that is admitting that I need a job. So starting from that day, I had been planning, sorting out my life, tiny little steps at a time. Well, mostly I finally had to sort out my work. Build a portfolio, something I can show to the employer to prove my worth. 

Ah, you know the drill. 

It took me weeks to get it done -- surprise, it's not done. But throughout the days leading up to this second, I have updated & upgraded my resume, submitted a few dozens job applications, and even went through a few 1st rounds interviews. 

Besides that, I've also been upgrading my knowledge, taking online courses, watching YouTube videos, etc. I get busier and my mind keeps buzzing with more ideas every day. 

And I realize something -- aha typical Aiza, taking too long to get to the point

The first is always the hardest. 

The first time I tried to collect materials and compile them for my portfolio, I felt like it's too hard. I didn't I even have materials worth showing. But as I go through them, every posts, every copywriting, every visuals, every ads, every screenshot, everything. I was able to separate the gems from the trash. I started to find my own worth and capabilities, too.

Here we go, Aiza -- you are NOT useless

The first time I tried to sort those materials out, presenting them in a way that other people can understand, I find it hard to do. Very hard. But as I kept trying different ways of presenting them, it gets easier. I slowly started to understand the materials, what I wanted to show, and the best way to present them, of course. 

The first time I tried to update my resume, I didn't know how. I didn't know how to include my experience of being a small business owner in it. But as I kept googling different templates and job descriptions of small business owner, it gets easier. I understand myself and responsibilities better. 

The first time I had an interview -- after years of not having any -- I was so nervous that I couldn't even relax. I spent every waking hours worrying and watching/reading tips on answering the questions. I pretty much flunked my first interviews because I was too nervous. But after a couple of them, they get easier. My answers and preparation gets better after each one. 

But no, I didn't get shortlisted to any of them. 

Looking back now, what was it that I was so afraid of? It's not that I can't do it, it's just that I'm not used to it. It's new.

And something new is always scary. The unknown is always scary. 

But hey, I got through it. And I'm sure you would too. Don't give up. 加油!

Just freaking killed a cockroach with my planner,
Aiza Kamal. 
3.03am, July 2021. 


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